<![CDATA[HEALING IN CHRIST'S LIGHT

<![CDATA[HEALING IN CHRIST'S LIGHT - Blog]]>Tue, 28 May 2024 16:54:02 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[When Mercy Robs Justice: An Open Post To Priesthood Keyholders]]>Sun, 24 Sep 2023 09:10:19 GMThttp://healinginchristslight.com/blog/when-mercy-robs-justice-an-open-post-to-priesthood-keyholders

*Note: I discuss addressing hard topics with priesthood leaders specifically, in greater depth in my upcoming book, Healing In Christ's Light From Patterns of Sexual Betrayal. Cedar Fort plans to release in January of 2024.

The Sacred Work of Freeing Captives

Dear priesthood keyholders, many of us are held captive. Some are held captive by their own destructive patterns and compulsions. Others are held captive by the effects of their loved one’s destructive patterns which can also cause great harm.

Either way, the result is that we become prisoners.

And YES, we can learn to break free from sin and from the consequences of another’s sins with the Savior. Also, the journey will be so much better if we can have the support of our priesthood keyholders. As the Savior said, “That thou mayest say to the prisoners, Go forth;” (Isaiah 49:9 & 1 Nephi 21:9)

This plea from my virtual “garden tower” (see Helaman 7) to priesthood keyholders is written with a great deal of compassion and understanding that everyone is doing the best that they know how. Lay clergy is a service of high order that can often be thankless, exhausting and sometimes deals with extreme circumstances that even trained professionals grapple with. Additionally, the priesthood keyholders that I have been privileged to meet with have no shortage of greatness of heart. (see Alma 61)

While I can’t fully understand what it is like to be a priesthood keyholder, I was once a Relief Society President who had strong misunderstandings about some crucial things. It was a hard mental, emotional and spiritual shift to consider other things. It required humility.

I am tenderly asking for a humble approach as you consider the following, even if we agree to disagree.

Please note that this is not a plea regarding my current circumstances, as it’s heartbreakingly too late. I do write this in hopes of helping other families and maybe even my own family in the future.

Families Are a Big Deal

Families are a big deal in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Much revolves around families, including the beautiful concept that families can be together FOREVER instead of “til death do us part.” Much emphasis and many resources have been fittingly applied to teaching members of the church and even the entire world about the importance of temple covenants. This is primarily because there are covenants which seal couples and families together beyond the grave.

The concept of eternal families can be meltworthy because the possibility of being together in our family units after this life can provide hope, joy, and emotional relief when we experience the death of a loved one.

That is, the concept of eternal families can be meltworthy but can become complicated and even unappealing when it’s applied to a situation where one family member is engaging in destructive patterns like abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment.

The Atonement and Destructive Patterns

I mingle with the brokenhearted often, meaning that I participate in various recovery meetings with primarily other wives of sex addicts. There is a theme among many of us that often, mercy is not balanced with justice in regards to loved ones participating in destructive behaviors. While the scales of mercy and justice can be tipped either way instead of being balanced, a majority of the issues seem to deal with exceeding permissiveness.

With the best of intentions one might mistakenly subscribe to the belief that offering mercy without accountability and/ or consequences is the best way to help people come unto Christ. I, too, have followed this line of thinking and believed myself to be acting in Christ-like ways when I offered immediate mercy without accountability.

Might I suggest doctrine regarding the critical nature of accountability?

The World Was Established w/ Accountability & Consequences

So often the logic is that mercy will save a sinner because they will want to change their behavior after tasting the amazing goodness of grace. This can definitely happen and has been my own experience at times. Also though, when destructive patterns have been established and often hid in dishonesty, a wake up call through accountability is sometimes a more effective way to offer someone the opportunity to lean into grace.

When Adam & Eve were introduced into the Garden of Eden, they were given beautiful blessings like delicious fruit from many different trees. They were also told that if they partook of the fruit of one tree, the tree of knowledge of good and evil, that there would be a consequence.

After they partook of the forbidden fruit, I imagine a tender Heavenly Father who followed through on the consequence to drive them out of the Garden of Eden which eventually led to their death.

Parents of adult children struggling with addiction who have given their all, and who find evidence of relapse might relate to Heavenly Father’s experience. Some courageous parents bring their precious child to the local bus stop or shelter, hoping that this rocky bottom will become a springboard for better choices.

And why do they do this?

One reason is that caretakers come to the realization that their loved one has a Savior: and it’s not them.

Second, consequences offer hope of someone waking up to make better choices, plus other blessings. For instance, Adam & Eve were able to have children and we are the grateful benefactors of this consequence.

Some who receive consequences due to their choices do choose repentance and recovery while some do not, but no matter what they choose, we cannot make that choice for them.

Regarding the power of the priesthood and destructive behaviors, the prophet Joseph Smith said the following, “...when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.” (D&C 121: 37)

Please note that in the case of destructive patterns, many if not all of the concerning behaviors that Joseph listed are often present. To recap, these include covering sins, gratifying pride, vain ambition, and/ or the exercise of control, dominion or compulsion.

(Added) Brethren, I am genuinely curious as to why someone who is displaying the things that Joseph warned about is often encouraged to exercise the priesthood before repentance has occurred? The consequence that Joseph teaches is, “Amen to the priesthood or authority of that man.” With a tender heart and genuine curiosity I am wondering, is this encouragement not mockery to God? (For those who have a thoughtful response this, please comment on this post. I am willing/ wanting to learn and am willing to consider other possibilities.)

Christ Expects Us To Change Destructive Behaviors w/ Him

Consider Christ with the woman taken in adultery. The Savior was exceedingly gentle and kind with her. Also, after refusing to condemn her, He did offer the expectation to, “go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

We all make mistakes of varying types. Everyone sins, and there is a strong difference between mistakes that happen vs. destructive patterns that cry out for interruption and relief.

When the commandment to “go, and sin no more,” is consistently broken, more needs to happen. The person who is offending needs correction and perhaps more importantly, those who are victimized by their behavior are hoping that correction will help to protect them as well.

To quote a portion of a recent Instagram post:

Not offering correction to destructive patterns can also embolden the person who is behaving destructively, and the unintentional consequence can be that those in close association with them can suffer. While it is not the intent of priesthood keyholders to perpetuate abuse, it can be the devastating reality.

Fighting For Individuals & Eternal Families w/ Accountability & Consequences

In a way, offering accountability and consequences can be a way to fight for souls and families because it gives the person an opportunity to shake off chains that are harming them and their loved ones.

When destructive patterns are established, we must be careful to not offer patterns of mercy without justice as we can unwittingly participate in the destruction of individuals AND eternal families. We can love them to death, which can include spiritual death.

The Savior is clear about one responsibility of priesthood keyholders in this regard when He says, “if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.” (3rd Nephi 18:29) Of note is that the Savior’s bar is that, “if ye know,” and not, “if they confess.” Confession does not always occur in such situations in part because dishonesty is the lifeblood of destructive behavior patterns. I hope that it's not too harsh to say that the unintentional consequence of washing one's hands of consequences in severe circumstances seems to be the mockery of God.

Fighting for eternal families cannot always be a path of mercy and grace without justice. If we want a family to truly succeed now and for eternity, then destructive patterns perpetuated by one person require interruption. This is an opportunity for them to choose something better for themselves and ultimately for their family.

Unintentional Gender Biases

It’s common for defensive stances to occur around the subject of gender biases. Even still, I am going to persist in addressing this subject.

To offer an example of gender biases, I share the following without disclosing names or how I am aware of these events. I can assure readers that these events are very real.

On one Sunday a few years ago, a wife discovered that her husband had relapsed in his addiction to pornography and masturbation. The pattern of addiction had continued for more than 3 decades. Their family had suffered terribly due to the relapse which accompanied lies, manipulation and emotional abuse.

Realizing that he was caught, the husband went to confess to the bishop who offered a verbal warning to do better. The husband was allowed to participate in the sacrament and no follow up visits with the bishop were scheduled.

Notably, on the very same day of her father’s confession, their teenage daughter also went to confess pornography use and masturbation to the same bishop as her father had. The daughter had not been caught, but had recognized that she wanted to change and went to confess without being coerced. She was met with love and compassion plus the consequence to not partake of the sacrament for a time and follow up appointments with the bishop.

Surprisingly, a very similar scenario repeated itself with the same father/ daughter duo a couple of years later. The circumstances of their confession was the same in that the father had been caught and the daughter willingly confessed because she wanted to change. They even confessed on the same day. The only significant difference was they were in a different ward with a different bishop. However, the family’s new bishop handled both the father and daughter’s situations in nearly identical ways as the previous bishop.

Gender biases might also occur with priesthood keyholders when a wife is accused of being responsible for her husband’s sex addiction because she didn’t offer him “enough” sex. Sometimes when a wife says that she is being emotionally abused, her claims are minimized and not taken seriously. Another example is when there is a strong focus on a wife forgiving before emotional, sexual or physical safety has been established. (And yes, forgiveness is a commandment, but requiring forgiveness before safety is established is kind of like asking a soldier to forgive the person who is actively shooting at him. Safety usually needs to happen before forgiveness can be processed.)

How Can One Tell If Someone Is Truly Repentant?

How can one tell if the person in their presence really wants to change when we can’t see the actual state of their heart? There is no sure way to tell because we are not God, however, something that I have learned from my time working 12 steps for wives of sex addicts is that there are markers for someone who really wants to recover. The markers are humility, honesty & accountability, which are all fruits of the spirit. A few questions to consider when applying these markers are:

Humility:
-Are they self-degrading themselves? This is not humility.
-Is there an awareness of how their actions and behaviors have affected others?
-Are they willing to change?
-Are they defensive?
-Are they willing to connect with God and others?

Honesty:
-Have patterns of dishonesty been present?
-Have they disclosed little by little over time to their spouse or priesthood leaders? This usually means that there is more to disclose.
-Is rigorous honesty present?

Accountability:
-Was the person caught in their behavior or did they willingly confess?
-Are they blaming their behavior on anyone else?
-Are they willing to truthfully answer questions and admit to their mistakes?
-Is there pushback about boundaries or consequences that occurred because of their behavior?
-Are they willing to do the hard work to recover and make restitution, including the possibility of attending therapy, group therapy, 12 step groups, etc?

While this is a topic for another day, please also consider how the spouse and other family members have been affected. We need your help as much or more than the offending person.

Conclusion

Dear priesthood keyholders, please consider the possibility that mercy balanced with justice is absolutely crucial.  Accountability can offer the offending party the opportunity to correct problems and to choose an eternal path. The engagement in this process is courageous and we partner with God to battle for souls when we lovingly enforce the line in the sand that God already set by way of commandments. When we lovingly offer accountability for destructive behaviors it might be exactly what someone needs to get back to the Iron Rod and hopefully the Tree of Life.

Loving accountability for destructive behaviors can possibly be instrumental for victims to find safety and to heal. Victims are generally grateful when the needs of the entire family are considered. We need help as we battle for our loved ones.

If anyone happens to read this at the general church leadership level, please consider training for priesthood keyholders regarding balancing mercy with accountability, gender bias, and ways to help those who have been victimized. We desperately need help in these areas.

I cannot understate the potential eternal impact of a righteous priesthood holder in our lives and for our families.

I love and appreciate you dearly.

]]><![CDATA[Experiencing Abuse, Addiction, Adultery &/ or Abandonment In Marriage Is Not Your Fault]]>Tue, 15 Aug 2023 13:34:43 GMThttp://healinginchristslight.com/blog/experiencing-abuse-addiction-adultery-or-abandonment-in-marriage-is-not-your-fault

*Note: I talk about the 4 A’s (abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment) in my upcoming book, Healing In Christ’s Light From Patterns of Sexual Betrayal. I look forward to it being released in January of 2024 through Cedar Fort!

For years, I wrestled with confusion and great heartache when statements were made like, “It takes 2 to tango,” or “It’s a 2-way street.” This sort of messaging applies well to a normal marriage relationship, and it is more entangled and damaging when there are patterns of destructive behavior that are being employed by one's spouse.

Here’s the root of this problem: If we think that we are at fault for another’s destructive behavior, then we often think that we have an element of control. After all, if I think that I am the reason that my loved one is behaving abusively, I think that I can “fix” myself or them to control their destructive behavior. We also arrive at faulty conclusions that we are not worthy of basic relationship necessities like kindness.

I will state clearly that we are not to blame for another’s abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment and when such behaviors are displayed, safety needs to be established immediately.

We did not cause their behavior and we cannot fix it.

The Hierarchy of Needs

We all have needs and second to necessities like food and water is the need for safety. Physical safety can be easier to understand, but emotional safety can be misunderstood and devalued.

There can be long-term emotional, physical and spiritual ramifications that stem from a lack of emotional safety. These can include PTSD-type symptoms and can lead to mental health crises.

Some things that I have suffered due to a lack of emotional safety include unmanageable emotions, numbing behaviors, depression, anxiety, being on hyper alert, nightmares, eating issues, physiological problems, and more.

Let’s use the analogy of someone being in a car accident. We wouldn’t focus initial energy on stitching someone up if they aren’t breathing.

In the emotional realm of the 4-A’s, SAFETY needs to be established before moving on to lesser problems.

To create safety, we often need boundaries. (Read more about boundaries from a gospel perspective here.)

Marriage Issue vs. Individual Issue

Sometimes people might coin a marriage as “toxic,” when in reality, one partner is behaving in toxic ways by engaging in 4-A type behavior. One aspect of this is when destructive behaviors are present, they are typically hidden with patterns of dishonesty. There is no way to heal any relationship if dishonesty is foundational to one partner’s behavior. Such behavior must cease and be repaired by the individual who is perpetuating it in order to move forward in safe and healthy ways.

This does not mean that the person who is the target is perfect. It does mean that there are some forms of behavior that are so egregious that they need to be repaired before addressing more normal issues.

A marriage is not likely to heal until abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment ceases and is repaired.

Generally speaking, treating the marriage is not wise until safety has been established. For instance, good therapy practices include not addressing marriage problems when 4-A type behavior is present. Marriage therapy in such situations can cause great secondary trauma. It is often a better path to heal individually and to establish safety before engaging in marriage therapy.

I Am Not the Savior

It’s easy to unintentionally try to take over the sacred role of Savior. We generally think that we are being helpful to the Savior with such behaviors and not a hindrance. The intention is to serve and can even seem noble.

Control is generally the common element that we display in such situations and I prefer to refer to controlling behaviors for those of us who are experiencing trauma as “safety seeking behaviors.”

For instance, we might employ safety seeking behaviors when we think, “If I change my appearance, my loved one won’t view pornography.” Or, “If I don’t express my needs, then my loved one won’t emotionally explode at me.” One more example, “If I can keep the kids quiet, then my spouse won’t ________ (ie. drink, turn volatile, withdraw to their addiction, etc.)

To offer compassion: It’s normal to seek for safety when there’s so much chaos in our lives. *It’s completely normal.* And, it’s generally not helpful in the long run, for us or for our loved one, to participate in safety seeking behaviors. We inappropriately think that we can save them.

We learn that we don’t qualify to save them from Alma 34:10, “For it is expedient that there should be a great and last sacrifice; yea, not a sacrifice of man, neither of beast, neither of any manner of fowl; for it shall not be a human sacrifice; but it must be an infinite and eternal sacrifice.” (Emphasis added.)

I don’t qualify to be the sacrifice for my loved one because I would be a human sacrifice. The good news is that the Savior offered Himself to be the great and last sacrifice. He does qualify because what he offers us is the opportunity to access His grace through His infinite and eternal sacrifice.

My loved one has a Savior. His name is Jesus Christ, and it’s not me.

We Are Not Without Fault AND…

When this subject is brought up, I sometimes get pushback with expressions like, “You think you are perfect.” Let me clarify. Absolutely no one is perfect, except for the Savior. We all have things to work on and to improve.

I personally love to work 12 steps for betrayal trauma through SAL 12 Step and with the Lord I have found that I have many character defects. This is empowering information! There are things that I can change, they are just different than I had once supposed.

Even though I have many things to improve on, being on the receiving end of destructive behavior is not my fault.

Being on the receiving end of abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment is not your fault either dear friend.

Safety is critical in such situations.

Thanks for healing with me in Christ’s light.

Note: This subject is discussed in greater depth in an interview that I did with Geoff Steurer. Listen on your favorite platform, or on Apple, here.

]]><![CDATA[Boundaries From the Garden of Eden]]>Sat, 22 Jul 2023 15:17:29 GMThttp://healinginchristslight.com/blog/boundaries-from-the-garden-of-eden

NOTE: My upcoming book, Healing In Christ's Light From Patterns of Sexual Betrayal has an entire chapter on the doctrine of boundaries. You won't want to miss it!!!

Are Boundaries Righteous?

I'm very headstrong, and my friend Katy can attest to this. Six years ago I firmly told Katy that boundaries weren't a righteous principal and weren't for me! My plan was to love my husband to heaven and I had tried to do that for 17+ years. I felt resigned to live a life of chaos due to my husband's actions, addiction, and mental illness (though I didn't know about the mental illness piece at that time.) I was stuck in misery and without hope.

With firm gentleness, that is true to Katy's nature, she pushed back on my misunderstandings, and I will forever be grateful that she did.

After my converstation with Katy, I mused and dared to hope:

Are boundaries righteous?? If you have wondered that, you aren't alone.

I remember the lightening bolt that hit me as I sat in an Addiction Recovery Program- Family Support meeting when I learned that:

God Uses Boundaries

I sat up taller after that meeting and relief washed over me when I learned that God uses boundaries. The understanding that I was an agent who acts and can protect myself so that I am not acted upon (see 2nd Nephi 2:26) was so relieving! Righteous empowerment filled me with a new-found hope.

What Is a Boundary?

Boundaries are simply things that we will do and we won't do.

The result of boundary setting is to BOTH allow light and keep out darkness and chaos.

We use boundaries to protect precious things like:

Truth
Emotional and Mental Stability
Self Worth
Relationships
Physical Safety
Financial Assets
Beliefs
Revelation

Boundaries From the Garden of Eden

I have pleaded with Heavenly Father (on several occasions) to learn about boundaries from scripture. Because "boundary," is a more modern word, it's not something that can be searched for in the Topical Guide. Where are they, then?

After one such prayer, He gently reminded me that the foundation of the earth was established with a boundary. This boundary was set in the most loving way possible, and I LOVE this pattern.

God's Pattern For Boundaries

In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were given the opportunity to partake of wonderful fruit from many different trees. They were commanded to not partake of the fruit of one tree. They were given the opportunity to choose for themselves (see Moses 3: 17). If they broke the commandment, they were told the consequence.

Here's the pattern:

1- I want to give you ________ (ie. connection, spend time together, a privilege)
2- In order to do that, I need you to _________ (ie. speak respectfully, be honest, repair what was said, clean your room- for a child)
3- You have the freedom to choose what you will do.
4- Until this is done, _______ (ie. I need space, I will be practicing soul care, I will not allow you to go to your friend's house- for a child.)

Boundaries Are An Opportunity

My husband would jokingly say that, "boundaries are a 4 letter word," and I've heard others that are participating in destructive behaviors say similar things. And yes, boundaries can seem like a punishment, but I prefer to look at them as an opportunity to choose better things.

I see boundaries as a way to FIGHT for my family in Christ-like ways. (Because Christ set boundaries too!!)

Boundaries are a way for us to battle in righteous ways for relationships, beliefs and things that matter. They offer people the opportunity to make better choices and to stand on firmer ground; and until and if they do, we can protect ourselves with BOUNDARIES.

Side note: It's normal to expect flailing when first implementing boundaries.

Those who are setting boundaries while consulting with God, also have a beautiful opportunity to develop a greater relationship with God, a bedrock understanding of receiving revelation, and righteous empowerment.

I am practicing setting boundaries with you, dear fellow agent of Christ who gets to act and not be acted upon. Sending love and prayer as we both figure out our paths by Letting God Prevail.

]]><![CDATA[Sometimes Healing Hurts... Before It Gets Better]]>Wed, 31 May 2023 17:08:57 GMThttp://healinginchristslight.com/blog/sometimes-healing-hurts-before-it-gets-better

The Dilemma of Pain and Healing

I can be impatient with the healing process.

"Can someone please get me from A-Z without needing to do the steps of B-Y? Please and thank you."

My bull in a china shop mentality can really be a hindrance to patience and processes. This much I've found:

There is no short cut to thorough healing.

Sometimes healing hurts before it gets better, and accepting that can feel like a horse pill going down.

The internal question pleads, "Do I really need to undergo a scalpel in surgery before I can get better? Isn't there an easier way?"

I get it. I experience similar hopes of instant relief.

Why Thorough Healing Matters

My first experience with thorough healing occurred several years ago when I found myself stuck in a pattern of gossiping. I didn't like this about myself, and I felt a lot of shame about it.

I remember not knowing what to do and decided that any time I felt the desire to gossip, I would choose instead to go and pray, until the desire to gossip subsided. Sometimes I would pray for hours and once woke up in a kneeling position by my bedside around 3 am.

I remember shamefully telling Heavenly Father about my behavior. I don't know what I expected, but I was surprised to be met with feelings of empathy and tenderness. My dear Heavenly Father stayed by my side as I explored why I had a desire to gossip.

I started to see that I was struggling with insecurities. I better understood that I was afraid of various things. And I could see that I lacked a view of self worth.

This deep dive into why I was struggling provided me with beautiful opportunities to look at those wounded parts, show them to the Savior, and to seek healing. This thorough healing created such a powerful change in me that I lost the desire (for the most part) to gossip. When the desire to gossip does show up, I can explore, with the Savior, how to find healing for those wounds.

Consider with me what might have happened if I had just decided to instantly stop gossiping, without finding out my motivation. I might have stopped the behavior, but the wounds would have remained and it certainly would have come out sideways some other way.

Thorough healing matters because:

When I show up healed, I don't bleed on people who didn't cut me.

I like to look at this as re-thinking repentance. We can more easily change our behavior when we seek to heal the wounds that trigger it. It's more gentle and it's also more thorough.

People who courageously seek healing, while holding the Savior's hand, show up differently. They do so because they aren't hurting by other people's wounds. As we search out the wounded parts of our hearts and expose them to the light of the Savior, we can't help but offer ourselves and others more grace, more patience, and more compassion.

Just like the Savior does for us.

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