*Note: I talk about the 4 A’s (abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment) in my upcoming book, Healing In Christ’s Light From Patterns of Sexual Betrayal. I look forward to it being released in January of 2024 through Cedar Fort! For years, I wrestled with confusion and great heartache when statements were made like, “It takes 2 to tango,” or “It’s a 2-way street.” This sort of messaging applies well to a normal marriage relationship, and it is more entangled and damaging when there are patterns of destructive behavior that are being employed by one's spouse. Here’s the root of this problem: If we think that we are at fault for another’s destructive behavior, then we often think that we have an element of control. After all, if I think that I am the reason that my loved one is behaving abusively, I think that I can “fix” myself or them to control their destructive behavior. We also arrive at faulty conclusions that we are not worthy of basic relationship necessities like kindness. I will state clearly that we are not to blame for another’s abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment and when such behaviors are displayed, safety needs to be established immediately. We did not cause their behavior and we cannot fix it. The Hierarchy of NeedsWe all have needs and second to necessities like food and water is the need for safety. Physical safety can be easier to understand, but emotional safety can be misunderstood and devalued. There can be long-term emotional, physical and spiritual ramifications that stem from a lack of emotional safety. These can include PTSD-type symptoms and can lead to mental health crises. Some things that I have suffered due to a lack of emotional safety include unmanageable emotions, numbing behaviors, depression, anxiety, being on hyper alert, nightmares, eating issues, physiological problems, and more. Let’s use the analogy of someone being in a car accident. We wouldn’t focus initial energy on stitching someone up if they aren’t breathing. In the emotional realm of the 4-A’s, SAFETY needs to be established before moving on to lesser problems. To create safety, we often need boundaries. (Read more about boundaries from a gospel perspective here.) Marriage Issue vs. Individual IssueSometimes people might coin a marriage as “toxic,” when in reality, one partner is behaving in toxic ways by engaging in 4-A type behavior. One aspect of this is when destructive behaviors are present, they are typically hidden with patterns of dishonesty. There is no way to heal any relationship if dishonesty is foundational to one partner’s behavior. Such behavior must cease and be repaired by the individual who is perpetuating it in order to move forward in safe and healthy ways. This does not mean that the person who is the target is perfect. It does mean that there are some forms of behavior that are so egregious that they need to be repaired before addressing more normal issues. A marriage is not likely to heal until abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment ceases and is repaired. Generally speaking, treating the marriage is not wise until safety has been established. For instance, good therapy practices include not addressing marriage problems when 4-A type behavior is present. Marriage therapy in such situations can cause great secondary trauma. It is often a better path to heal individually and to establish safety before engaging in marriage therapy. I Am Not the SaviorIt’s easy to unintentionally try to take over the sacred role of Savior. We generally think that we are being helpful to the Savior with such behaviors and not a hindrance. The intention is to serve and can even seem noble. Control is generally the common element that we display in such situations and I prefer to refer to controlling behaviors for those of us who are experiencing trauma as “safety seeking behaviors.” For instance, we might employ safety seeking behaviors when we think, “If I change my appearance, my loved one won’t view pornography.” Or, “If I don’t express my needs, then my loved one won’t emotionally explode at me.” One more example, “If I can keep the kids quiet, then my spouse won’t ________ (ie. drink, turn volatile, withdraw to their addiction, etc.) To offer compassion: It’s normal to seek for safety when there’s so much chaos in our lives. *It’s completely normal.* And, it’s generally not helpful in the long run, for us or for our loved one, to participate in safety seeking behaviors. We inappropriately think that we can save them. We learn that we don’t qualify to save them from Alma 34:10, “For it is expedient that there should be a great and last sacrifice; yea, not a sacrifice of man, neither of beast, neither of any manner of fowl; for it shall not be a human sacrifice; but it must be an infinite and eternal sacrifice.” (Emphasis added.) I don’t qualify to be the sacrifice for my loved one because I would be a human sacrifice. The good news is that the Savior offered Himself to be the great and last sacrifice. He does qualify because what he offers us is the opportunity to access His grace through His infinite and eternal sacrifice. My loved one has a Savior. His name is Jesus Christ, and it’s not me. We Are Not Without Fault AND…When this subject is brought up, I sometimes get pushback with expressions like, “You think you are perfect.” Let me clarify. Absolutely no one is perfect, except for the Savior. We all have things to work on and to improve. I personally love to work 12 steps for betrayal trauma through SAL 12 Step and with the Lord I have found that I have many character defects. This is empowering information! There are things that I can change, they are just different than I had once supposed. Even though I have many things to improve on, being on the receiving end of destructive behavior is not my fault. Being on the receiving end of abuse, addiction, adultery and/ or abandonment is not your fault either dear friend. Safety is critical in such situations. Thanks for healing with me in Christ’s light. Note: This subject is discussed in greater depth in an interview that I did with Geoff Steurer. Listen on your favorite platform, or on Apple, here.
2 Comments
Krista
8/18/2023 11:21:43 am
Beautiful and needed words. The principle about being unable to heal a relationship where “dishonesty is foundational to one partner’s behavior” resonated deeply with me. Sometimes, even years down the road, I need to remember that principle to get out of shame for not being enough. The return to emotional health is a battle and I have gained so much from the strength, hope, and experience of others.
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Jamie Hubbard
8/31/2023 03:54:57 am
Thank you for these eloquent words! It is helping me realize that safety is so foundational and it's what's missing for me right now. I've agreed to try to heal things within the marriage before safety is in place and it's not working! Of course it's not working. Safety is foundational. And it's my responsibility to create safety for myself through boundaries. (And Jeni, I LOVE your post on boundaries.)
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Jeni BrockbankHi! I am a daughter of God who is healing in Christ's Light from the effects of a loved one's abuse, addiction, patterns of sexual betrayal and abandonment. I am a mother of 6, an author, a podcaster, and a friend to many. I adore healing in community and hope that you find this a safe place to heal. Archives
September 2023
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